Minister Matthews and Other Stories
by Cozymansam
Summary: Just so you all know, this was formerly called just Minister Matthews, but I decided to make a collection of of short fics. If you don't like stupid humor, not for you, 'cause that's all it is! Suckish summary, sorry!
1. Minister Matthews

Okay, this sort of just came to me, so please excuse if it was bad. It seemed good at the time, but now I'm not so sure… Well, please tell me what you think. I realize this would never happen, but it was fun thinking about what would happen if it did.

Our new minister Mr. Keith Matthews stood in the front of the room, talking to the citizens of Hicksville (yeah I know, the people who named it were kind of insane, ironically they happened to also be hatters), grinning merrily. My mother frowned in disapproval of someone _smiling _on Sunday. She was one of those people who thought it was sinful to have any fun of any kind at all. For once though the minister looked like he was actually having fun. And he wasn't one of those haggard people who looked like they'd never set a foot into the sun.

Rev. Matthews had long ginger sideburns and as I said a grin that appeared to be permanently glued onto his face. He was one of those people that you could tell he was used to drinking, even now he was tottering slightly, and his smile was just a touch too wide to be natural.

Though many of the old lady's in our town looked on with disapproving stares, I was happy. For once church might actually be fun.

"Everybody come to order!" He shouted. I giggled earning myself a glare from several people; he sounded like my teacher in the morning. He continued,

"Today's lesson is about the evils of alcohol and what they do to you." He yelled, speaking just a tad too loud. This time I bit my tongue, otherwise I would have full out laughed; I could tell the preacher had experienced the evils of alcohol- first hand.

"Today, we'll have a demonstration about it." He said. I leaned forward in my seat. Demonstration? He pulled out a six-pack from under a pew. Pulling out a beer he began drinking. The men and kids were laughing and the women were looking murderous. Soon he was falling around, looking like… well… a drunkard.

"See?" He asked, straightening suddenly, "Booze is bad for you. It tastes great though for all you kids that haven't tried it yet, you should try. Goodbye!" He ran out the door as though the cop were after him. I followed ignoring my mother's threats. I was laughing so hard I was crying.

"Mr.!" I yelled. He turned.

"Yes?" He looked kind of scared, as though I were going to set the town on him.

"That was the greatest sermon I ever heard." He bowed, almost falling to the ground in the process.

"Why thank you."

"How come you preached like that?" I asked curiously. (only later would I realize how rude that question was, I was only 7 at the time, I was clueless) He leaned in.

"Can you keep a secret?" He asked seriously. I nodded, just as seriously. "My friend Sodapop dared me to do it, I had to do it or he said he'd not provide beer for me any more."

"_Sodapop?_"I yelled, giggling furiously. What a name! Sadly, I never got to figure out whether or not he was serious because just then mom ran over and dragged me away, shooting daggers at Mr. Matthews.

That was probably the most fun Sunday I'd ever had.

Sorry, I know that stinks, but I think I'm a little over-tired, I get really messed up when I am. Review anyway? Tell me just how much it stunk?


	2. Pony's First Date

Okay, so this isn't really connected to my first chapter, but I've decided to make it into a series of just short dumb stories, like the first one, but just writing whatever pops into my head. Thanks for all the reviews! If you don't like reading really stupid stuff with The Outsiders characters and setting, this isn't a story for you, but give it a chance, I mean, most people who bothered to read the first one liked it right? Anyway, tell me what you think! Please!

Pony nearly swooned at the thought of his lovely date waiting outside in a new Corvette. He felt so unsure- of what to say, how to say it- but he reckoned every guy must feel this way on his first date. Well, Soda probably didn't feel this awkward on his first date but Greek gods don't count as 'guys' in this scenario. Trembling with exhilaration, and probably the first signs of shock, Pony stepped off the front porch and out to the car. His date was picking up him, not the most traditional thing, but Pony was pretty sure she wouldn't want to go in his old beat up pick up truck.

The girl inside smiled weakly, her brown hair shaking ever so slightly.

"Hey Ponyboy." Man, that had to be the sexiest voice he'd ever heard. He stood there, replaying it over and over in his mind for a minute before he realized with a jolt that he was A., supposed to get in the car, and B., supposed to answer back.

"Hey. Ready to go?" He asked, knowing full well the answer was yes before the words left the girl's slender lips. "Alright then." Even though he wanted to drive, he got into the passenger side. A moment later, he felt something hot and wet fall on his bare arm. Quite startled, he looked up to see the prettiest girl in the world crying.

"Oh Pony, I'm so sorry, I just miss him so much!" She sobbed, the tears flowing rapidly now. Pony was jealous that she cared more about the other man than him, but he did his best to keep that to his car.

"Where'd you get the car?" He asked.

"Borrowed it." She answered, in a monotone.

"Mmmm"

"He was the sweetest boy…"

"Mhm"

"Drinking was the only bad thing he ever did." Pony was pretty mad at that point. This was _their _date, she was not going out with him, she was going out with him.

"Look!" He said irritatedly, "I know you loved Bob, but please, he's dead now, just get over it! You're going out with me now!" Of course, this only caused a fresh torrent of tears.

"I'm sorry! I just felt like I knew him so well…" She drew a shuddering breath and quit crying. "I'm done." She smiled a watery smile. "It's just us now. Don't worry." Pony beamed.

"I love you." In response, she pulled over and wrapped her arms around his neck.

The seat conveniently gave way just then, throwing Pony into the back seats with his girl right on top of him. It was kind of sweet for a moment, but she didn't move, and Pony began to panic. The girl was quite a lot bigger than him, and weighed a lot more. In short, Pony was getting crushed.

"Get up!" He tried yelling, but it sounded a lot more like "tough up!" Of course, Pony wasn't aware of the rather insulting insensitive thing he'd just said, and was only aware that he was released. Then with growing terror, he saw her dilated pupils and rapid breathing.

"Uh oh."

"How dare you!" She screamed. "My boyfriend's _dead_ and you're telling me to tough up!" Pony inched backwards.

"No- I never-" She reached out and slapped him right between him eyes.

Pony looked at himself, going cross-eyed as he did so.

"Am I bleeding?" He asked, clearly every bit as stupid as he looked just then. The girl raked her torn up nails across his face.

"Yes." She spat in that messed up face. "I can't believe you! How could Marcia think you're so nice! You are the most, cruel, insensitive, stupid, most ugly boy I've ever laid eyes on!" And with that, she heaved him out of the car, and leaving Pony lying on the side of the street numbly, she drove off. A few moments late (as usual), for the first time that night he screamed her name…

"Angela! Angela Shepard!" He screamed, with all his might. He woke up with a jolt and found himself lying on the ground where the rumble had taken place. Hovering over him was Angela Shepard herself.

"What do you want?" She snapped.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" He screamed, and fainted with fear. There's only so much you can take after all.

So, yeah, wasn't anywhere near as good as I thought it would be. Sorry to let you down. If any of you had high expectations anyway. Not saying you did. Yeah, so, please review, and I'll so my best to make the next one be better! Thanks for reading it and sorry if you didn't like it! I guess I just wasn't in a funny mood 'cause it's really lame.


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